Moving Past Defensiveness and Building Connection

Most couples want to feel like a team. But when criticism or hurt feelings enter the picture, even the most loving partners can get stuck.

In couples therapy, something we frequently come back to is how marriages are stronger when we approach them as a team—including when upsetting situations play out. On a practical level, couples can put the “team” concept into action by sending signals that their partner’s experiences matter—that they are willing to be curious, engaged, and responsive. When a spouse feels that their successes, mistakes, and even their feelings about something impact their partner, they feel less alone and more connected.

But here’s the challenge: many couples do well when supporting their partner around outside stressors, yet struggle when the negative thoughts and feelings are directed at them. It’s much harder to validate your partner and send signs that they are seen, heard, and valued when you feel criticized. It can be a very human response to defend, explain, or push back.

The Push/Pull Cycle

Couples can quickly descend into a push–pull struggle: one partner tries to be heard about their experience, while the other becomes defensive or works to correct the “misperception.” These efforts may be well-intended, but they often feel invalidating to the partner who is hurting.

Action Step: Validating Your Partner’s Experience

One of the single most important things I share with couples is this: don’t defend against, deny, or minimize your partner’s feelings.

You might be thinking: “But what if my husband doesn’t get it? What if my wife is blaming me unfairly? I don’t want to be the bad guy again.”

Here’s the truth: there’s usually a reason your partner is upset. That doesn’t mean you’re bad or at fault. But approaching with curiosity—rather than defensiveness—brings you closer to connection.

How to Do This: One at a Time

The key is to move sequentially—focusing on one person’s experience at a time. That means:

1. One partner expresses their feelings.

2. They share the story they’re telling themselves—the meaning they’re making of the event.

3. Their partner reflects back what they’ve heard.

When conversations follow this rhythm, each partner feels safer to open up without being shut down or corrected.

Example: Eric and Stef

When Eric and Stef, a married couple, started counseling with me, they got along brilliantly—except for when they didn’t. And those moments could explode.

Eric was wonderful at supporting Stef’s stressful job. He’d listen, validate her frustrations, and cheer her on. But when Stef’s negative feelings were about him, it was a different story.

One evening, Stef expressed frustration that Eric had arrived late to their date night. Eric explained that he had stopped to pick up her favorite ice cream. His intention was good, but Stef felt unimportant and taken for granted. Each tried to explain themselves, but both left the exchange feeling unseen. What started as disappointment turned into an hours-long fight.

Through therapy, Eric and Stef recognized their cycle: Eric wanted credit for caring and feared being “the bad guy.” Stef longed to feel her emotions met and validated. Eric’s explanations made Stef feel invisible; Stef’s disappointment made Eric feel unworthy. Both wanted connection, yet both ended up alone.

Action Step: Validate the Headlines

When your partner shares something that’s hard to hear, practice taking in the headlines—especially how they feel. Remind yourself: their feelings are theirs. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

You may have contributed to the situation, but resist the urge to explain or correct. Explanations often come across as dismissal. Instead, reflect back what you hear: “I get that you felt unimportant when I was late.” Curiosity and validation are what open the door to connection.

The Takeaway

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with your partner’s view. It means showing them that their inner world matters to you. When each of you feels like the other has your back—even in conflict—you’ll feel more connected, more secure, and more like a team.